Conflict, & why I hate bullet-points.

"The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.." Mignon McLoughlin, "The Neurotic's Handbook." 1960


I know- you are probably wondering what else  can he possibly say about conflict. It's been a frequent topic here over the last few months. What I want to mention today  does makes a slight shift. I'm going to talk about some practicalities of conflict management in our close relationships. And I'm going to list these as bullet points (how did we ever get by before the bullet point was invented?). I want you to know though that I'm only using bullet points so that I can fit-in better  in The Land of Blog. I don't like bullet points when it comes to talking about human relationships- our relationships are too complex to be summed up tidily in a  silly little bullet point. But I know too, that people will not read anything on the net that is much more than three or four paragraphs long. And to even get people's attention for that long, it needs to be set out in an easily readable format. The minute people turn on their computers, it seems they have an attack of Attention Deficit Disor- wow, these new shoes are so uncomfortable.... 

• Conflict is inevitable in relationships, and the closer the relationship, the more likely it is to be present.

• Conflict is OK. It is part of being human, and  in essence is present because no-one else will ever  ever see the world through exactly the same eyes that you see it. So it stands to reason that your view is occasionally going to be at odds with the view of others. That's OK. Usually there is no 'right' view- just your view and their view.

• Think about the person you are most likely to have conflict with: chances are the bigger and unresolved conflicts recur around the same old themes or topics. Acknowledge to the other person that you have differing views,  there are some things you will never agree on, and that is  also OK. This makes the  next point very important......

• Look at the people in your life whom you have conflicts with. Look at the similarities between them and you. Talk with them from time to time about the similarities. Because the similarities will be bigger than the differences.

• Look at the times of the day, the week, or the month, that you are most likely to get into conflict with that person. Look at the environment you are in when you get into conflict with that person. Look at what has gone on between you and the other person immediately leading up to the arrival of the conflict. What has been going on for you personally just prior to the conflict? What has been going on for them personally just prior to the conflict? All of this, plus other factors helps to make up the context for the conflict. What can the two (or three, or four) of you do to change the context for the conflict?

• When you do find yourself in the midst of the conflict, there are a few important things to remember: 1) Stay respectful. This means stay focused on the issue, listen to the other person do not resort to insults or sarcasm.  If you start to verbally attack them, sure as eggs, they will respond in a similar way. 2) Look for a way forward, rather than a personal victory for you.  You do not always need to win or score points. 3) Do not see this as a time to bring up old and unresolved issues. Stay focused on the issue at hand. 4) Take time out if you need to. It's better to do this, than get really heated and have things get out of hand. But make sure  though, that you do come back, ready to address this issue further, and don't use time out as a means of avoidance.

• Manage your relationship in a proactive way. This can mean taking the time briefly yet regularly to talk about how things are between the two of you. It can be kicked off with one of you opening with a statement such as "how do you think we are going......?"  By staying focused on the relationship in a more focused and consistent way, pointing out at those times what is working well, then the relationship will be less likely to be dented by conflict, as you both/all will hold a bigger picture of the relationship. Conflict will still likely occur- but you will both/all be more attuned to the positive stuff that is also present.

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